Queer Enigma kwɪə(r)//ɪˈnɪɡmə/

by Joana Aebi

I thought I knew who I was. That was until I moved to the United States and a lot of who I was – who I thought I was – changed. The me I knew started to cripple away. A new me, the real me, started to emerge. Growing up in Switzerland, I had considered a husband, his wife, and their children to be the standard for a family; a relationship between a boy and a girl the norm; male and female the default genders. Yet I did not know who I would be into; who I would eventually fall in love with. Boys? Girls? Both? Neither? I did not seem to know. I did not seem to want to know. 

As I suddenly started meeting people that were allies to or part of the Alphabet Mafia (LGBTQIA+ community), it felt like destiny. I will always remember my first one: Kathryn or Katy (She/He/They). Even though she does not know it, his support immensely encouraged me to, finally, after almost twenty years on this planet, pick up the mirror, stare through the champagne glasses on my nose and the ocean eyes behind them into my soul, and for the first time allow myself to see. Allow myself to get to know the Oscar Wildes, Freddie Mercurys, Stormé DeLarveries, and Marsha P. Johnsons. Allow myself to explore. 

Throughout this almost half year-long quarantine, I spent most of my time reflecting on past experiences, listening to other people’s stories, and researching labels as well as queer history. I realized that I had never felt the same attraction my peers had toward men. Ironically, while billions of people struggle through lockdowns and family deaths, I experienced a time of rebirth, renewal, and awakening.