Shattered Dream

by Rumana Akther

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The sun was setting and the sky was all shades of red, yellow, and orange when my phone rang. I answered it and became paralyzed with shock. For a moment, the sky fell on me. It was like someone had just cut my heart into pieces. I was unable to take in what I heard; I could not believe that my dad was no longer with us. Without any treatment, he left us forever. I wished that I had been a doctor or a nurse, for I might have saved his life. I wished I could have fulfilled my dream. I wished my dream did not get shattered. 

During my childhood, my dad called me “Angel.” He was my best friend and my superhero. As soon as I came home from school, I was busy with him playing tag, hide and seek, wrestling, racing, football, and more. He filled my life with lots of excitement and joy. As a child, I had plenty of dreams about my future. 

When I saw so many poor people who could not get medically treated, I fixed my mind on becoming a doctor and helping those people who are less fortunate. From then on, I did my best every single day, week, and year to achieve my goal. I was not very bright or a top student, but I kept trying my best. Every night, I worked on my dream to become a doctor and studied until midnight. Finally, a day came where I got the top score in my 10th grade class. I felt like I had sprouted two wings and I was flying into my dream. I was the happiest kid in the world because I felt close to my dream of helping the poor and enjoying their peaceful smiles.

One morning, my dream got shattered like pieces of glass. I was told I would get married off in just a few days. I cried and yelled at my dad, “I want to continue my education! I don’t want to get married; how could you do that to your angel?” My dad explained to me our culture and why he must arrange this marriage. But he made me a promise: I could continue my education after becoming married.

I had to get married at the end of 10th grade. A 15-year-old girl with a large dream became a housewife. But I did not stop, and my dad kept his promise. He made an agreement with my in-laws to let me continue my education. My dad bore all the expenses of my education to support my dream. 

In my country, Bangladesh, families live together: sons bring in their wives, and the wives take care of their in-laws. It was extremely hard to continue my education living with my large house of in-laws and with all of my new responsibilities. I had to take care of the household chores such as cooking, cleaning, and tending to the elders. Even with so many responsibilities, my dream was possible: I completed high school. I believe nothing is impossible if you want it in your heart. I was excited to go to college. But then, I had my son. My in-laws said I could not continue anymore because I must take care of the baby and family. This made me terribly upset.

I became so busy with my baby. To me, being a mom is the most precious gift from God. My days were spent always enjoying my son. How he moved, how he tried to talk, how he ate — everything. I never got tired of taking care of him and my family. But some nights, when I could not sleep, I despaired and felt my dream would never come true. 

When my son was two years old, I finally was able to begin college. I was so excited — but just a few days later, my mother-in-law got extremely sick and became paralyzed. I had to quit school to take care of her for a few years. She was so grateful I could be there for her. Even though I could not be a doctor or a nurse to help the poor, at least I was able to make one person happy. I was not as sad anymore about my dream.

In 2011, I moved to the United States, my dream country. Now, I could change my world and no one could stop me from my dream. I did not want to waste even one day. Each morning, I woke up with excitement about starting my college education. I felt close to my dream. I was a little afraid because I could not speak or communicate in English, so how could I go to college? But in my mind, I knew I could do it. Finally, that day came. I went to college and registered in English for Speakers of Other Languages. I cannot explain how happy I was.

Sometimes we want something, but our destiny decides something else. I had a huge accident where I burned a third of my body. I wanted to be admitted to college, but my destiny admitted me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for a long time. I had four surgeries across three years. I was not able to walk or do anything. One of my arms did not work at all and the doctors weren’t sure if I would ever be able to use my arm again. I had to quit on my dream again. 

I realized college was not for me. It used to be, but I kept having to quit pursuing my dream because of others. This was the first time I quit for myself alone. I accepted my destiny in my heart. I lost all hope. I surrendered and gave up. I wanted to give up on life at one point. But then, I realized that life is not always for yourself. Life is sometimes for others. Even with all my pain, I wanted to live my life for both of my kids — and so I did. After my recovery, I accepted a bright path that just did not have my original dream, but even more. I did ESOL and learned English, then I got a job and began to live a happy life.

On June 15th, 2020, I called my dad in the morning as usual. He was sick with a fever. My brother took him to the doctor, who told them he needed to do a COVID-19 test and admit him to the hospital if his fever increased. Because of the pandemic, a lot of hospitals made rules for those who have COVID-19 symptoms and there were limited hospitals open for those patients. My dad was not able to be admitted into the hospital because there was just no room. 

After my dad came home, his fever increased. He faced some breathing problems too. I facetimed my dad over the phone. His face was very calm, and he tried to smile at me but could not. He looked afraid; his eyes were noticeably big and they had in them the urge to stay alive. His breathing problems increased as the night went on. My brother was very worried. He did not know what to do. During this time, there were no doctors available. 

With tears, my brother asked me what to do. I had never felt so helpless. My superhero, my dad, was dying and I could not help. He was suffering and I could not make him better. I cannot explain what I felt like in that moment. We did not know what to do as my dad’s oxygen level went down and down until he reached his last breath. I felt as if someone cut my heart into pieces and I did not have any land under my feet. Then, I felt numb. I could not believe the truth that he was no more. If I had been a doctor or a nurse, I could have helped my brother and saved my father. He could have survived if we knew what to do or if the hospital could have taken him.

I cannot forget the millions of memories of my dad with me and my children. After he died, for so many days I was not able to eat, sleep, or barely talk. Every second, every moment, his memories made me cry. I was so deeply troubled because I had been unable to do anything for him. I have to go back to my dream. I cannot bring him back, but I can help others just like him. My dream was put aside for years, but no more. I am twice as determined now, and I am willing to accept any challenges life throws at me. I will take on every difficulty and I will reach my goal to become a doctor.